My Adventures in Getting Published

beach@beachproductions.com

My Adventures in Trying to Get Published

by Paul Beach

If you're an aspiring writer then you really need to read on; I have something material to share with you. And if you're simply curious about what I've been doing for the last two years, then by all means, read this and be entertained.

I have been writing a book. To rephrase, I have written an EPIC! It is a 280,000 word vampire novel that is guaranteed to warp your mind, unless your mind is already warped, and in that case you'll probably just love it. My novel is called The Real Vampires, and it makes all the other vampire books and movies before it seem fluffy and sophomoric. I'm biased, you say? Maybe, maybe not. Click here to read and/or listen to the first three chapters and judge for yourself. If you still think I'm full of s*** you can e-mail me at beach@beachproductions.com. Please, don't spare my feelings; if I am deluded I need to know it! And if you ask real nice I'll give you the rest of it.

So what do you do with a completed manuscript? Me, I've played a prank with mine, the results of which are both disturbing and telling. Let me tell you about it...

Right here I must take a second and thank the folks at www.writers.net. Their resources, (and the resources of some other, more forgettable sites), have been most informative. From research I learned that what you do with a completed manuscript is prepare a query package for it. Easily said, difficultly done. A good query letter will be only one page. As near as I can tell, the formula of the query letter was designed by masochistic industry professionals to test your abilities of summation. Apparently, anyone can write a 300 page novel, but not everyone can compress it into two paragraphs. This is the first step in sifting the wheat from the chaff. For what its worth, I did my best. You be the judge - Check out my query letter and see whether it adequately interests you in my book.

OK, so I've got the query letter for my package, and if I were feeling especially bold I might include a synopsis of my book - a little easier to write than the query letter, but only a little. I could even go so far as to include the first three chapters in my query package, but I don't know how much that extra time and expense helps.

Here's a little food for thought. Publishers and literary agents are flooded with submissions. They don't have any time to waste on anything that isn't going to be a BEST SELLER. But we all know that every book published out there doesn't become a best seller. In fact, 90% of all books published LOSE money for the publisher. Walk into any Waldenbooks and pick up some nothing novel by some published nobody. Look at the publisher and know that somebody in that company thought that the piece of crap you're holding was going to be a best seller. Then laugh out loud. Just do it... believe me, it hurts too much to hold it in.

Now, I know I have one major strike against me right out of the gate. Most publishers are hesitant to take a novel by an unknown author that is so BIG. I am currently hurrying to revise another book I have written called The Flitbike that is much shorter; about 100,000 words. But, back to The Real Vampires...

Since most publishers don't even open unsolicited material, I acquired a LONG list of publishing agents from Association of Authors Representatives and began mailing out my query letter. They were enthusiastic to send me their rejections. Some of the responses were personalized, and a few were even personalized to me and tailored to my project. But most were form rejections, ranging from form letters to terse little notes. I began to wonder if they were even reading my letter, and that is when I initiated Operation: Reading Test.

If you haven't read my query letter, please do so now. Pay particular attention to the last paragraph. Read between the lines. Are you getting this? After adding the last paragraph to my query letter, I sent out another batch to a select list of publishing agents.

I know it sounds incredible, but I'm still getting some rejections with the new query letter. Some of the responses are personalized, and a few are even nice. But most are form rejections. Why they feel compelled to take the time to tell me that they do not wish to represent me is beyond me. To give credit to certain literary agents who are, in turn, a credit to their profession, I must say that I did receive less responses overall. I must also admit that I haven't as yet found representation. But you have to get a lot "NO's" before you can get to that one "YES," or some such bullshit...

And SO, without any further ado, I give to you some of my recently received rejections, with my comments inserted. ENJOY!