A Bit of Marital Advice

by Paul Beach

To marry or not to marry…

For most people there is no question – marriage is an eventuality, an inevitability, or, for some, an aspiration.

Now, as I am so known to do, I’m going make an assertion that may seem quite a bit out of the way. I am going to suggest that the institution of marriage begets more sadness than joy, more negative damage than positive growth, more pain than pleasure.

The divorce rate in America is now exceeding fifty percent. Cut the cake and flip a coin! Chances are the two of you will be duking it out in court within five years. Still better odds than Vegas, but not much!

The first big problem is that life is too short. Of course, this isn’t actually a problem caused by the institution of marriage, but it is a problem that manifests itself in many areas of life, and marriages are quite vulnerable. With the average lifespan still being under one hundred years, is it any wonder that people are jumping headfirst into destiny-altering choices when they are in fact too young and immature to have any idea of what they’re really getting themselves into. And we’ve all seen older folks, that we’d have thought would know better, make choices that were not well thought out. Even one hundred years isn’t enough time for most people to figure life out.

To perceive the biggest flaw in the institution of marriage, one only has to remember that throughout most of recorded history men have had the misconception that women are mere possessions, either the father’s, or later the husband’s. And if you’re a man that still feel this way in his heart of hearts, then I promise that true happiness and self-esteem will continue to elude you. It has only been within the last one hundred years that the general body of civilization has been able to overcome this fallacy. It is high on the long list of fantastic achievements of the last century.

But marriage can serve a purpose – a very valuable, noble service. The institution of marriage really exists only for one reason: to rear strong, healthy, intelligent offspring capable of not only perpetuating the species, but also keeping mankind progressing in an upward direction. This isn’t to say that every child raised by a single parent is going to grow up to be a drain on society, or that every child raised in a happy marriage will turn out perfect; we’ve all seen people that developed one way or another in spite of their upbringing. However, the statistical tendency cannot be ignored. Children raised by two or more people in a healthy relationship have better chances of growing into well-developed adults.

So now the question isn’t really whether or not to marry, but rather do you want the tremendous responsibility of rearing another human being? Because if you take that task on and then shirk it, my friend, you could be contributing to the downfall of mankind! I’m sure I don’t to say anything at this time about family planning. The world doesn’t need any more absentee breeders!

Let’s say that you and your romantic love interest decide that children are out for now. That’s fine! Is there now any reason to get married? I suggest that there is not, and I shall now explain why.

Traditionally, marriage between a man and woman consisted of two elements – agreement and consent. A young couple in love would agree to devote the rest of their lives to each other, and they would get consent from their parents be married. Of course, traditionally, for the woman, it meant that ownership of her would be transferred from the father to the groom. They would have a huge party where the couple would profess their undying love for each to the witness of family and friends, and a “Man of God” would say something to the effect of “Let what God joins no man split asunder.” This was a good program at a time when there was no indoor plumbing, no internet, and no Wal-Mart, but it is, quite frankly, sorely outdated today.

Instead of doing something smarter than traditional marriage in the modern day, people today engage in a bastardization of the institution that involves the inclusion of the government in the process. Now, a young couple gets consent not from their parents, but from the state! The state takes full responsibility for and jurisdiction over the marriage. Now I ask you, what does the state have to do with the relationship between you and your romantic love interest? Do you really want Uncle Sam in bed with you?

For that matter, what does God or anyone else have to do with your relationship? Not a bloomin’ thing. There’s nothing wrong with professing your love to family and friends, and even strangers, but those people will have no bearing in a healthy relationship between two people, just like your lover should have no influence over your relationships with family and friends.

And this brings us to a fatal flaw in marriage. Part of the act of getting married is taking a vow to stay with the other person for the rest of your life. You’re making a promise that is to remain intact until some unknown future time. But you really can’t do that! Here’s why – growth and change are an inevitable part of life. If you’re having fun in a relationship with someone that feels good and right, it is fairly safe to say that the two of you are experiencing growth together. This is not to say that you’re growing together as one; that concept is erroneous and strips you of your individuality. You are growing at the same rate and in the same direction, so to speak. But you have absolutely no way to guarantee that you will continue to grow together with your lover. To try to make such a promise is to make a lie out of your relationship. Do you want your relationship to be lie? Nothing sucks the passion and growth out of a relationship faster than a promise for some unknown future time.

However, it’s a different ballgame if you decide to have children. But I would still suggest that you consider an alternative to a “civil” marriage in such an instance. As I said, a Marriage License does nothing but commit all the assets of the martial union, including the children, to the stewardship of the state. That’s why the state can take your children if it feels you’re not doing a good enough job raising them, and it allows the state to say who gets what in the event of divorce. I wouldn’t even bother with a Common Law marriage either; that’s just the state again trying to get in through the back door.

Instead, draft your own marital contract. Make it a commitment to the children-to-be, rather than a commitment to yourselves, and give it a lifespan of not ‘til death do us part,’ but until the children reach the age of emancipation. You’re legally responsible for them until that time anyway. After the kids are grown, the two of you can re-evaluate your relationship, and decide at that point if you’re still growing together.

Life is too short to be stuck in a bad relationship. Your relationship with your romantic love interest is your own to be stuck in, or to gain growth from, and it should be an institution in its own right. You don’t need to include your family, God, or the state in the institution of your relationship.

It is nobler in my mind to not marry.

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